something by me

[belovedmonster]

ill be the first to admit that my writing ***** , but i figure the best thing is to post up stuff regardless how embarrising it is that way i can maybe learn something.

Before you read the following (short) script id just like to piont out that i aim to conceptulise, write, shoot and edit a short a month, so im not looking looking for critism about the idea in general becos its "just" this months idea.

Any ideas how to make the diaglogue better, how to write the decription better... that sorta stuff will be much appreciated.

Ok here ya go, the first draft (written at 4 in the morning).


INT. TYPICAL TEENAGE MALE BEDROOM

Four teenage males (ALAN, DAN, CHRIS and JIM.) sit around
drinking, talking, generally in high spirits.

JIM
Oooh, I heard this good joke the
other day.

DAN
Go on then...

JIM
This guy decides to visit his mate
cos he has broken his leg...cheer
him up since he cant leave the house.

The scene dissolves away to a narrative flashback of:

INT. FRIENDS LIVING ROOM

A guy sits in a chair with his leg elevated, his mate sits
in another chair.

JIM (V.O.)
The guy with the broken leg asks his
mate if he can get his slippers from
upstairs. So off he goes, trundling
up the stairs where he happens to
meet the guys two beautiful breasty
17 year old daughters.

INT. GIRLS BEDROOM

The two girls lie on the bed looking seductive and playful.

INT. TYPICAL TEENAGE MALE BEDROOM

Back in the real word the guys all listen tentatively waiting
for the next development.

INT. GIRLS BEDROOM

JIM (V.O.)
So the guy says... "I'm here to shag
you". And the girls are like "Yeah
right!" So he says..."Ill prove it"...
He goes to the edge of the stairs
and calls down to his mate "Both of
them?" The guy replies, "Of course
both of them".

The guys laugh, some more than others.

The moment is cut short by the sound of the doorbell ringing.

CHRIS
That'll be Pete.

MOMENTS LATER:

Chris returns with PETE behind him.

DAN
Alright...?

PETE
Hello, yeah I'm fine.

ALAN
Drink?

PETE
Thanks.

Peter is handed a drink and sits down with the rest of the
boys.

JIM
So what's new in the world of Peter?

PETE
Not alot.
(Sipping his beer.)
Cept... I keep waking up covered in
cuts and bruises and I dunno where
they come from.

ALAN
My friend had that.

PETE
What was it?

ALAN
She never found out.

JIM
(Sarcastic)
Maybe you both listen to Slipknot in
your sleep.

PETE
Its ******** me out. The other day I
had a great big cut all the way down
my arm. It hurt for days.

CHRIS
Why don't you rig up a camera to
record yourself in your sleep?

DAN
Yeah, you can borrow mine.

PETE
Ok.

Jim begins to turn the music up on the hi-fi.

INT. PETE'S BEDROOM -- A FEW DAYS LATER

Pete makes the last minute adjustments to the camera and
then switches the lights off.

We watch through the green night vision as Pete climbs into
the bed.

THE NEXT MORNING:

Peter wakes up, pulls back the covers and sits up.

He begins to inspect his arms. Disappointment sets in as his
sees the fresh cuts and bruises.

He gets up and immediately making his way to the camera
switches play.

Pete watches himself sleep for a few seconds before hitting
fast forward.

Something catchs his eye and he plays the video.

His jaw drops.

INT. PETE'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

The camera pans down the curly wire of the phone towards the
TV. Paused we see an eerie figure on the screen stood above
Pete as he sleeps.

ALAN (Filtered)
Hello.

PETE (O.S.)
(Scared)
Its Pete...

ALAN (Filtered)
Whats up?

PETE (O.S.)
I....I..

ALAN (Filtered)
Are you ok?

PETE (O.S.)
Oh god.

ALAN (Filtered)
Pete?

PETE (O.S.)
God, oh God! Theres a man.

ALAN (Filtered)
What?!

PETE (O.S.)
(Mumbling)
There's a man, he must do it to me.

ALAN (Filtered)
(Calming)
I dunno what's the matter but I'm
coming over ok. Ill be there in 5
minutes.

INT. TYPICAL TEENAGE MALE BEDROOM -- LATER

With a big clunk the door is locked. Pete sits on the bed
looking at the wall, deep in thought somewhere.

Alan comes over to him.

ALAN
You'll be fine here tonight ok.

Alan lightly punches Pete in the arm. It works because Pete
snaps out of his trance and looks at Alan with a thankful
smile.

INT. TYPICAL TEENAGE MALE BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Pete lies above the sheets of the bed staring at the wall.
His eyes flutter around the room as he waits to fall asleep
or the morning to come, which ever happens first.

Behind him Alan tries to get comfortable under the bed covers.

The face of the strange man jumps out at Pete from his mind's
eye.

BEEP BEEP!

10.00am the alarm clocks reads.

INT. TYPICAL TEENAGE MALE BEDROOM -- MORNING

Peter sits up. He looks down at himself, all clear!

The groaning, bad-mannered Alan sits up. Feeling something
he looks down at his arm. Cuts and bruises.

[Generic Skinhead]

The story isn't clear. Generic terms like "typical male bedroom" dont help. Nor dom the lack of any charater descriptions whatsoever. You need to read a few scripts buddy because you're formatting is all over the place. It makes you seem lazy and disrespectful.

I don't really know whats happening. The dialogue doesnt sit right either. THe opening is fine and then on Petes arrival the story changes completly. You dont need all those guys at the start AT ALL.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I don't pull any punches because people in the industry don't either.

[deanl]

Hey there.

I too didnt "get it"... You seemed to be halfway through a joke when it just changes and a new character and story starts.

It just didnt sit right.

Despin out.

[emjen]

I liked the idea, of the mysterious man standing in a window whatsoever. That's spooky man.

Cut the joke. Instead, I think you're better of to let the characters talk about spooky stuff - because that's what this is about. When characters tell a joke, we don't get to learn anything about them. At least not like this.

I also didn't get the ending.

As for formatting and stuff, well, I didn't really see it as Skinhead saw it. I didn't have a problem with it. Ehmm... no, I didn't.